I Fired Four More Shots

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A report claims that playing Mozart for your designer baby (either in the womb or during hir formative early years) will improve his/her IQ and help him/her get into that exclusive preschool. If playing Mozart for little Johnny could boost his intelligence, what would happen if other composers or contemporary genres were played during his developmental time? And what about early exposure to classic art or literature?


BABBITT EFFECT: Child gibbers nonsense all the time. Eventually, people stop listening to him. Child doesn’t care because all his playmates think he’s cool.

BARTÓK EFFECT: Child becomes more and more dissonant. Has trouble maintaining harmony with his peers. Difficulty following rules. Presents an increasingly bad tone overall and is unable to resolve anything.

BEETHOVEN EFFECT: Child spends far too much time at the keyboard and goes deaf. (If the child doesn’t suffer from deafness, it’s the Wakeman effect).

BRAHMS EFFECT: Child is able to speak beautifully as long as his sentences contain a multiple of three words (3, 6, 9, 12, etc.). However, his sentences containing 4 or 8 words are strangely uninspired.

BRUCKNER EFFECT: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains reputation for profundity.

GLASS EFFECT: Child tends to repeat himself over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.

IVES EFFECT: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.

LISZT EFFECT: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important.

MAHLER EFFECT: Child continually screams, at great length and volume, that he’s dying.

SCHOENBERG EFFECT: Child never repeats a word until he’s used all the other words in his vocabulary. Sometimes talks backwards. Eventually, people stop listening to him. Child blames them for their inability to understand him.

STOCKHAUSEN EFFECT: All you get out of the child is an atonal cacophony, but those around him are conned into believing it has some sort of artistic merit.

STRAVINSKY EFFECT: Child is prone to savage, guttural and profane outbursts that often lead to fighting and pandemonium in the preschool.

TAVENER EFFECT: Child sings a lot.

WAGNER EFFECT: Child becomes a megalomaniac. May eventually marry his sister.