I Fired Four More Shots

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Name: Daniil Shafran
Country: Soviet Russia
Crimes Against Cellistic Humanity:
"Artistically" placed white notes paired with death-like vibrato that doesn’t serve the music. While useful in some russian literature, it sounds like hell everywhere else. It demonstrates a complete disregard of common sense.
Proof: Saint-saens “The Swan”, obliterated by his hell-fire vibrato, slides, and piercing tone.

Name: Alisa Weilerstein
Country: United States of America
Crimes Against Cellistic Humanity: 
Oblivious nature and overcharge inward passion results in seizure-like phrases. Lack of technique and reliance on overplaying decapitates Bach suites.
Proof: J. S. Bach, C Major Suite BWV 1009, beaten like a dead horse.

Name: Christopher Lecian
Country: Czech Republic
Crimes Against Cellistic Humanity:
His facial expressions. His lack of tone, lack of intonation, lack of anything pleasant, beautiful, or good in his sound, even though he is marketed as a virtuoso. 
Proof: Shitting all over Paganini and Bach. Paganini, is this even music? Bach, its like a 7 year old’s playing combined with the farts of obese alcoholic.